A when back,I gained tagged ~ above a on facebook parents forum when a friend asked what I believed of this short small video.Witha young daughter herself that was currently experiencing unfriending --"You"re not my friend!" "I don"t prefer you. Walk away!" -- she wondered even if it is her tiny one have to practice the adhering to handy retort:
I obtained to thinking around those three tiny words - I. Don"t. Care.
You are watching: I don t care if you don t like me
If the means they"ve been supplied in my household is any kind of indication, ns think they room true only some of the time ("Do you have a preference on which restaurant us go to?No, ns don"t care. Girlfriend choose.") more often than not, lock mask actual feelings, their flippant delivery a cover for the pains inside.
And so ns disagreed withthe countless adoring and also supportive comments that followed the clip.The girl (I"m hereby christening she "Video Cutie" (VC)) is exhilaration sweet and strong for sure, however I would coach she to it is in congruent, come show and say what she really feels and thinks.
When we assist our children know and also express what"s walk on inside, we provide them a head begin in emotional intelligence and also support lock in a rewarding, albeit risky, act:
The threat in gift congruent in interaction is simply that the sender becomes well-known to the receiver together he yes, really is (inside). The sender exposes his true self — he becomes transparently real to himself and others. Human being must have courage to it is in what they are — that is, to connect what castle feel and also think as of a certain moment in your existence; for as soon as a human does this — and here is the threat — she opens up herself to others and also their reaction to her. Her listeners learn how she yes, really feels. — Dr. Thomas Gordon, P.E.T. Workbook, web page 51
So a P.E.T. Evaluation of the case for both girl starts whereby it always does, v the concern Who own the problem? as soon as we"re clear on that, we understand what skills to use.
Focus: video clip Cutie"s Friend
When VC"s friend says"I don"t like you!" or the the friendship is over, she mirrors she is having actually a problem.
The five helping an abilities -- particularly the critical one -- couldhelp this friend obtain down towhat she is feeling and needing.Silence -- the attitude of I"m below to listenAcknowledgments -- "Uh-huh," "Ok" or "I see"Attending -- eye contact, full attentionDoor-Openers -- "Tell me much more about that" or "I"m ready to hear whenever you desire to talk"Active Listening -- reflecting back the child"s total interaction with acceptance and also empathy -- "Something has actually happened and you are simply so upset with video Cutie!"
The girl herself could not even know why she stated something choose that.Maybe something taken place at house that morning. Perhaps someone said "I"m not your girlfriend anymore!" to her as soon as or she heard an enlarge sibling to speak that and she is experimenting. Perhaps she is jealousy of video clip Cutie and also wants come exclude her (when ns attended Australian Robert Pereira’s seminar ~ above bullying, ns was impressed by exactly how so lot bullying actions originates with feelings the envy).
The needs underlying the unfriending statement might be:Curiosity -- What will VC’s reaction be?Self-esteem --VC is wearing nice bows in she hair and also I hate her because I don’t have anything the pretty. Mine mommy never buys me anything! So i don’t want to it is in seen beside her.Acceptance/acknowledgment -- perhaps VC inadvertently no say hello to her that morning
We parental (and teachers) simply don’t recognize until we AL her.
VC"s girlfriend not just needs aid acknowledging and also regulating she emotions, but likewise assistance in using an ext assertive language the helps her to fulfill her very own needs. A healthier, self-disclosing I-Message could be “I felt sad as soon as you didn’t say hi to me this morning when I walked as much as you and Katie!” Reconnection is simply much more likely once the listener does no get recorded up in self-defense (the sad result of You-Messages) -- opportunities are that video Cutie would respond with an "I"m sorry!" and also they could walk to the ferris wheel hand in hand.
Video Cutie might be also young currently to energetic Listen she disgruntled buddy or to Consult ~ above the use of I-Messages. These skills, however, are appropriate in line with the qualities many parents want for their kids -- compassionate, empathic, warm, caring, resilient. By an altering our own thinking about and strategy to friendship conflicts, we have the right to influence VC to try these communication skills on her friends once she is older!
Focus: video clip Cutie herself
Video Cutie, ~ above hearing her friend"s You-Message, is likewise in the child Owns difficulty area.
Understandably, an upset parent might, v loving intentions, shot to assist VC by Reassuring and also Solutioning her:"Oh honey, don"t you pay her any type of mind! The following time, you simply say, "I don"t care if girlfriend don"t choose me, i LOVE me!" and also show her the you are simply fine there is no her!"
Yet, when we very own the problem and also start acquisition over through our solutions, we miss out on an possibility to aid our kids know themselves an ext deeply and feel validated and also accepted by us for everything turmoil they could be experiencing.
The reality is thatwhen someone, specifically a friend, makes that kind of statement it is painful.
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As v her friend, active Listening will enable VC to name her feeling andto get insight right into her problem.So we can AL with:“Honey, that hurts and you feeling super sad once your friend states that because you prefer her sooooo much!”
Once video clip Cutie is calmed under (this could be after one or numerous rounds the AL), she might need coaching on how to offer a Confrontive I-Message that has her feelings and also how she to be affected:“I don’t choose it as soon as you speak that. Ns feel sad. I prefer being your friend.”This way, her friend have the right to see what result her words actually DO have on VC.
A parent or teacher might also Model empathy:“Gee, her friend have to be so uncomfortable to have actually said that due to the fact that we both recognize that she likes you an extremely much. Ns wonder why she did?”