Ask yourself a question: How well do you really recognize your own penis? Pretty well, I bet you’d say. But ask it a various way: What would a penis reviewer say around it? In a world of 3.5 billion penises, just how does mine stack up?

I gave some thought (like: perhaps also much) to exactly how one might uncover the answers to these important mysteries. And I realized I recognize a variety of penis reviewers—they’re dubbed ex-girlfriends. Fortunately, mine take place to be a candid, saucy bunch. Turns out, they were even more than happy to indulge my curiosity. The reality wasn’t always what I wanted to hear.

You are watching: Dude is that your dick


Your dick’s not small, precisely, said L., an illustrator in Chicback. (The identities of the penis reviewers have actually been changed for everyone’s advantage.) It’s a bit on the shorter side, however it’s thick and it gets the task done. L. told me that the majority of dicks she’d seen fell within a basic median array, with a few memorable outliers. There was the MMA fighter she’d dated who had a dick that was a monstrous, veiny thing. The male was sort of a jerk. His overconfidence operated in sex-related instances, she told me, however not in a permanent relationship.

"The initially erection I saw was not mine, sadly. There was oneparticularly peacocky chap who would certainly simply sort of swat his about thedormitory. It was exceptionally pre-sex-related, and I felt vaguely bored."

—Ed Weeks, The Mindy Project

Size, of course, was my major location of interemainder. But I conveniently concerned realize simply how nuanced and also textured a woman’s feelings about a penis can be. My balls, L. began, were normal-dimension. Wait, I shelp. Are there a lot of men via abnormal-size balls? Yes, she sassist. She dated one man whose cojones were so big they were basically a clinical curiosity. Anvarious other thing in my favor: My angle was directly on. L. shelp she’d dated boomerangs—guys with sideways-banana-shaped dicks. The trouble there: hitting her G-spot. But what she liked a lot of about my dick, she said, was its level of firmness. I told her I didn’t understand also. She patiently described that there were dicks that were squishy, even at their hardest. Likewise, tbelow were some that were too hard: She’d dated one man whose dick was like a Magic Marker. Sex with him was prefer being probed by aliens, she sassist. My mind was blvery own.

What have various other girls said about your dick? This was the first point that S., a teacher in Kansas City, Missouri, asked me. I told her I didn’t want to contaminate her thinking. Well, she shelp, you’re smaller than average, but you’ve obtained girth. My friends offered to contact you Girth Brooks.

Here’s something else I learned. Not just execute woguys have actually complex algorithms for penis assessment. They likewise supposedly conjure up dick-associated nicknames for all the dudes their friends date. I pressed S.: How small is my dick, exactly? At this suggest, her husband also came house through their toddlers, and also I heard her say to him, No, it’s Davy. You remember Davy. He desires to recognize just how big his dick is compared with the various other men I’ve slept via.

I hoped K., an editor in Houston, could clear up things for me once it concerned exactly how I really measured up. We’d dated over a decade ago, however I knew she considered herself boy-crazy. In my life, she defined, I’ve probably checked out a hundred dicks. And wbelow, I asked, did mine rank? With 1 as the smallest, and 100 the biggest? You’d come in at 33. So there I finally had it—out of every 3 guys sitting at the bar beside me, two had bigger dicks than mine and one had actually a dick that was smaller sized. Fair enough.

If my dick was completely fine, I asked, have actually there been any type of that are so little that they’re not? K. began telling me around a male who had been her boyfrifinish. His dick was miniature, she said. Going down on him was prefer sucking my own thumb. So many kind of times I thought, Oh my God, this is what I have to look forward to the remainder of my life? It was prefer having actually a pinkie inside me.

I winced. What hope was there for guys who’d attracted Mother Nature’s shortest straw?

If you’re a male and you have actually a small penis, K. said, you need to be good at doing other points. You should master the hand job. That’s my favorite! I would rather have actually a guy who’s excellent at that than a male via a large dick.

Davy Rothbart


I suppose, of course, it usually is, if we’re talking around schlongs that loss on a range of pig-in-a-blanket to actual recently-born-infant-pig-in-a-swaddling-blanket. But despite what Ron Jeremy claims in that flashy banner ad on the side of PornHub, bigger is not constantly better. A penis is not a Submethod sandwich. It’s a tool. Attached to a real live perboy (hopefully). And what you do through your dick is much even more vital to us women than its dimension. Seriously. Case in point: I when dated a male with a Paul Bunyan cock—perhaps eight inches—that was so lazily assured by his endowment that he ssuggest hammered amethod favor he was playing a game of Crocodile Panic. Not fun. You try shouting Just the tip! in earnest. The finest sex of my life, though, was with a male that had a a lot smaller sized penis—most likely also on the small side of average. But he had actually moves. And hands. And a sort of passionate life pressure in bed that might rival Roberto Benigni’s in Life Is Beautiful. And many important: confidence. That’s the one thing size appears to offer you that matters—the pride to walk right into any type of room naked, the swashbuckling feeling that you can render any type of woguy paralytic with pleacertain. The essential thing isn’t that you have a flesh basesphere bat in your pants. It’s that you think you execute.

See more: Methane Reacts With Oxygen To Produce Carbon Dioxide And Water. What Are The Products?

—Siobhan Rosen

"When I was 13, I Frenched Mary-Anne Friedguy at a bar mitzvah. Theyhad all the black lights on, and tbelow was, like, a big-ol’-daddy cumstain. Glowing. Right on my tan suit from Burlington Coat Factory. Ithink I additionally obtained a tiny on her bubble dress."

_—Adam Pally, actor _


When I was 14, I nicknamed my penis Mister Softee, bereason I never acquired any kind of action and bereason vanilla soft-serve dribbled out of it. I thought it was soooooo clever before. I also wrote a song in my head about it (sample of the chorus: Dooooon’t fuck via Mister Softee), finish via a four-minute Layla-style coda. You have the right to execute that once you’re 14, because 14-year-olds are complete morons. You, Mr. Reader, have no such excuse. You can’t go approximately making intricate ginger-beer cocktails and also rocking distressed-denim undershirts while being a man that still describes his dick as the Springboard. Or the Master Blaster. Oh, sure, making the occasional Dr. Kenneth Noisewater joke is just fine. But actually committing to a penile moniker? That is a definitive don’t. You might too nickname your brain the Hole.