These are not the discontinued Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts you once knew and loved. No: these are Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts!
Do you see the difference?
It’s that sophisticated “è,” which requires you to serve every pastry as an appetizer, hors d’oeuvre, or dessert at a classy dinner gala.
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See, the è has never appeared on packages before: not when Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts were first introduced (no one knows exactly when—not even the authoritative Pop-Tarts Wiki), not when they were discontinued in 2009, and not even when they were briefly revived in 2014 as a Limited Edition flavor for Pop-Tarts’ 50th birthday.
But now these Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts, complete with the accent mark, are back as a Kroger store exclusive and wrapped in debonaire foil before me. Time to scarf one down with my pinky out, like a true toaster pastry gentleman.Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tart Pt. 1: “Straight Outta the Wrapper”
Ahh, just look at that icing snow drift, spotted with chocolate sparkles like an inverted map of the stars.
If you’re like 8-year old me, then the question you’re repeatedly yelling at your public library computer while the librarian aggressively shushes you is, “But how are these any different than Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts??”
After one bite, the answer is clear: because these chocolatey and creamy Pop-Tarts aren’t meant to mimic Oreo cookies. They’re meant to mimic Hostess Cupcakes.
The similarities are uncanny—I had to do a double-take when first tasting my Tart, just to make sure good ol’ Captain Cupcake hadn’t swapped the pastry out for a real sponge cake. Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts don’t have enough buttercream bite to compare them to real frosted chocolate cake, but they do have enough processed butteriness to make them a dead ringer for Ring Dings or Ding Dongs.
The cocoa crust is fluffy, with a faint infusion of fudginess that lurks behind the sort of boring flour overtones. The filling is signature Hostess, too, with a pleasant half-whipped cream, half-vanilla custard taste. And the icing? Well…it’s sugary, and that’s about all we could hope for.
From a Pop-Tart standpoint, it’s a lot like a Chocolate Fudge one, but with vanilla guts instead of chocolate: not terribly exciting, and not as good as Cookies & Creme, but definitely a summer delight for fans of nostalgic snack cakes.Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tart Pt. 2: “A Toast to a Toaster”
I don’t want to spend much time on my toasted Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tart, because it makes me sad. Sure, the filling becomes frothy and drippy, but it tastes like a small gnome inside my toaster sucked all the vanilla away with his magic gnome vacuum. Just like in all those classic fairy tales that we all totally read, right?
What’s left is molten sugar goo leaking out of a crisp chocolate shell topped with more half-melted sugar. I liked the more browned and crunchy crust, but it couldn’t make up for all the hollow, granulated disappointment.Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tart Pt. 3: “The Polar Pastry Express”
Other people are advocates for things like low-carb diets, CrossFit, or opening all their presents on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day (why?). But I’m an eternal advocate for frozen Pop-Tarts. Nearly every flavor can be made better with a little cold, except for Cookies & Creme, which for some reason takes on a funky freezer burned aftertaste.
So I was hesitant to freeze Chocolate Vanilla Crème, but it turns out my fears were unfounded. These pastries take on a funky aftertaste that makes me want to dance to disco music and immediately apologize to all onlookers. One part Fudgsicle, two parts ice cream sandwich, and one more part frozen Chocodile, these make for a pleasantly chill summer day treat.
However, I still found myself choosing to eat these Pop-Tarts at room temperature. There are better frozen chocolate dessert options out there (why hello there, Choco Taco), but the plain cream ‘n’ cocoa taste of a Hostess Cupcake never fails to throw me back to childhood. This isn’t Kellogg’s most thrilling Pop-Tart flavor, but since it might disappear forever next time, it’s worth buying a box to throw in your safety deposit box.
Now excuse me while I watch old Hostess Commercials until my heart pumps cream filling.
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The “Bowl:” Frosted Chocolate Vanilla Crème Pop-Tarts
The Breakdown: Even though it will be few people’s favorite, this is Kellogg’s Hostess-est Pop-Tart yet, with chocolate cake-y crust and satisfying whipped filling.
The Bottom Line: 7 petitions to bring back Chauncey Chocodile out of 10
(Quick Nutrition Facts: 190 calories, Chocolate Vanilla Creme Pop-Tarts (without the è) 2 years ago for Pop-Tarts’ 50th birthday.***